sunshine for breakfast

Nothing like fresh sweet grapfruit picked right off the tree!

The Joy of Living

After a weekend of nothing but fruit, vegetables and wine I woke up with excitement, energy and a joy of living that was virtually unfathomable 2 years ago!!!!

Get a Life

Time to stop sweating the small stuff and live life boldly

A Day in the Life

I’ve heard Natalia say her words sometimes get taken out of context. I have read Ehret’s work so many times I seriously know his books by heart. I quote him a lot and I fear that his words, coming from my mouth, are taken out of context as well. In fact, me taking his words out of context was probably my biggest problem with not being able to stick to this lifestyle until completely cleansed, all these years. I mean Ehret and Natalia both speak from perfectly clean-celled bodies and minds. And even though they warn over and over again about transitioning slowly, sometimes we are so anxious to get there we only hear what we want to hear. And we are hard on ourselves if we aren’t perfect.

For instance, Ehret said he could notice a trace of pale in his face the day after eating a slice of bread. So I might take that to mean that will happen to me. But, in fact, I am still so far away from clean that eating a grain-based meal might even make me look and feel better the next day because I have been cleansing too fast and needed to slow it down just a bit to let my bowels catch up.

Yesterday I drank 32 oz of green juice at lunch. Had my best colonic ever after work followed by another 32 oz green juice. Then I did my first infrared sauna. Oh wow! I’m hooked. But the rest of the night I was not so vigilant. My daughter took me out to the Spaghetti Factory. I avoided their wonderful sourdough bread, but after my salad I ate whole-wheat pasta with browned butter, mezzithra cheese, marinara and a huge side of steamed broccoli. Also a glass of pino.

So, I guess my point is: even though I technically blew it by miss-combing last night, because of the great work I’ve been doing all week, I feel great! And I am still inspired to continue to improve! (and hopefully be dumping that stuff out soon, lol)

I’m babysitting tonight right after work so I have my avocado salad makings, broccoli, and sweet potatoes to take with me and plenty to share with the little wild child! For today it will be juice and maybe some raw veggies in the afternoon.

Feeling high

Last night was a little tougher than expected. I felt great all day. Drank my delicious juice. Gave myself an enema after work. Ate a big salad, raw Chinese cole slaw, for dinner.

Then I went to babysit my 1-½ year old granddaughter. I call her my wild child. She is so fun and such a character. Of course she can be a handful and it takes a lot of energy to keep up with her.

My mistake was, I usually take coconut water, Lara bars, sprouted grain bread, bananas, something like that with me in case she hasn’t eaten enough. Even though my daughter is and always has been close to this lifestyle, her husband isn’t so convinced. And my sweet little G’baby gets her share of mac n cheese, etc.

Well I felt so well nourished and on such a high myself last night that I went over there unprepared. She was especially energetic. She didn’t want the healthy meal (avocados, tomatoes and tofu) my daughter had tried to feed her earlier, so when I got there she had been eating some sort of organic puffed cereal things and some organic grain bars that were equally empty of real food value. She was as adorable and happy as always, but acted like a on sugar rush, bouncing off the walls. I call her a Gremlin when she gets like that, you know when they are so tired they refuse to sleep and get crazy! Not only did I have nothing satisfying for her, but she wore me out and I needed something to take the edge off myself.

They had some organic eggs and butter in the fridge so I scrambled some for us and we devoured them!

Then, when I got home, I drank a glass of red wine and ate some yummy dark chocolate!

Yay! I’m back on my high!

I’ve been trying to cleanse my bowels for quite a while now. I go through phases where they move fine on their own and then they get stuck again. I have tried pro-biotics, Herbal Answers aloe and the only thing that works is colonics and enemas.

I’m thinking of trying some cultured foods, Kim chi and sauerkraut.

Any suggestions or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Embracing the Hunger for Enlightenment 2

I am in a very good place when I embrace my hunger. I don't really feel that it is hunger for food, or that it is pain or even emptiness. i feel that it is more a hunger for truth and enlightenment, for that vibration and joy of living that comes with becoming clean. Whatever you call it, you have to embrace it lovingly. Whenever I begin a new phase in my detox journey my first goal is to feel those pangs, because I know I have successfully taken that first important step. Embrace the hunger! That has been one of my most prevailing themes to feeling great! But if the hunger turns to anxiety, I know that it is time to eat something comforting, but clean. Hopefully when that happens I won't fill up enough to numb these good vibrations. Love and Light 

Headed for the cliff at full speed

I have to stop judging and organize my own shit. I don't have to clean it up completely at first. Just straighten it up a bit.

But I don't have to change anyone else. Not directly anyway. If I help myself and atop enabling others we all may change for the better.

Natalia, I love your version of "I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore." bravo. I often wish I could be that brave and put it out there like that. You said exactly what I feel in a concise no nonsense manner. Spelled out perfectly. Thank you thank you. For speaking your mind and putting these pompous evil criminals in their place. The power monsters that have mesmerized the masses. The sheep. The imbeciles that are smart enough to know better but too self-serving to see the truth.

There I go judging again.

We're headed for a cliff at full speed.

We are allowing the bastards to lead us by the nose, right over the cliff.  They don't even care that they're going right off with us. How can they not know? Or not care.

I think complete clarity has always scared the shit out of me. I don't want to know too much. I'd rather be numb with everybody else.

One of the reasons I shoot myself in the foot, every time, is

I fear that cleansing to the bone, exposing everything, baring it all, stripping away all the bullshit will leave me unprotected.  The empress has no clothes.

On Eliminating Anti-Depressant Drugs from our Tssues and Bloodstream

I did want to mention 2 things that I have read or heard.

1. Arnold Ehret said he saw some of his patients eliminate drugs they had taken 40 years earlier.

2. Thom Hartmann spoke of a study of a certain tribe of primates (I think chimps) that were studied by scientists. On the outskirts of their community were a few (in fact the same percentage as humans, 3-5%) who appeared to be clinically depressed, showing symptoms of social disengagement, social withdrawal, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, hyper-vigilance. And also, just like humans, their depression seemed to be cyclical. It would happen for a while then go away and another group would appear depressed. These scientists removed these few chimps from the community to experiment with anti-depressants and tranquilizers meanwhile, within a year the entire community was gone, having been attacked and murdered by predators. Because, it turned out, that the depressed ones, because they socially disengaged, in other words they left the center of the troop and they moved out to the periphery; they were the ones who were sleeping in the trees on the edge, on the border, on the boundary of the community, because they were hyper-vigilant, because the smallest noise freaked them out and disturbed them, they were constantly worried and concerned; they were hyper-vigilant, because they weren't sleeping well and they were up half the night, because of that combination of things that we call depression they were the early warning system for the troop. They were the ones who noticed the leopard trying to sneak in. They were the ones who noticed the python coming down the tree. They were the ones who sounded the alarm. They were the first to scream, 'Look out! Look out!'
( I copied much of this from Thom Hartmann's website)
I just found that so interesting. As well as the fact that many of the most creative minds in human history suffered from extreme depression.
It's just another example of big brother wanting to homogenize and numb us all!

Upping the Ante

I have been treading water for a couple of months now. For me, this lifestyle is not just about my weight, but energy as well as my mental and physical health. These things are all interconnected, though, and weight loss can sometimes be a decent gauge for progress.

I threw my scale away a few years ago and never looked back. Occasionally I see a scale, like when I went with my mother to her doctor’s appointments just before Thanksgiving and again just after the New Year, and I can’t help myself.  I lost 4 pounds over the holidays. At first I was disappointed because I felt like I had trimmed down much more than that. I soon realized what an achievement it is though to lose any weight during the holiday season without feeling a bit deprived.

But in fact, I know I could have done better. And I think it is time to get back on the horse. I can start to see daylight with my cleansing process and I want to go all the way this time.

Right now I am juicing until late afternoon, raw until dinner which is great.  I haven’t been as vigilant with my dinners as I was before the holiday season, though, miss-combining, eating cow ice cream or milk chocolate on occasion and drinking more wine than necessary.

So starting today I am doing the Rose Cleanse.

Yay!

I am feeling very excited about this and confidant, because I am ready!

Normally I will start a new phase like this with a short juice fast, but this time I ‘m going to work my way up to that, juice fasting until dinner and being smart again with my dinners. Then maybe in a couple of weeks after a colonic I’ll re-visit the idea of a short juice fast.

I’m posting my plan so that I will be accountable.

Here goes J

My mom's delimma

My mom was diagnosed with a small malignant tumor in her left breast.

She and her surgeon elected to do a lumpectomy.

It was successful and all signs of cancer appear to be gone.

So now my mom, who already looks and feels 20 years younger, is attempting to manifest cancer in her lungs.

Processing Raw materials

our bodies are the ultimate at processing raw materials. The perfect machine.

Why do we continue to stuff them with over processed crap that has nothing of value left in it?

the Fear of Power

     You know that you’re starting to feel good again, to feel like you again, when you can stand on your head among other yoga stretches while retaining an enema.    

I probably have enough popcorn hulls and peanut hulls log-jammed in me to…

We’re all raw. Wounded. Delicate and fragile but hardened and oblivious.

defiance of gravity is a constant vigilance.

Cleansing is a scary process. It is not for the faint of heart.

Most likely the #1 reason I have given up over and over again      .

By clearing away all the numbing layers we progressively dig deeper and deeper. the deeper we get the closer we get to the truth, but maybe the truth scares us. Maybe sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe it is just easier to be oblivious.

The fear of power.

Embracing the Hunger for Enlightenment

Slip sliding away

     Slip sliding away ay

     Ya know the nearer your destination

     The more ya keep sliding away

                                     Paul Simon

Is it pain

Is it hunger

Is it emptiness

Whichever, you have to embrace it lovingly

Embrace the hunger! That has been one of my most prevailing themes to feeling good!

Don’t think of it as hunger for mere food, but enlightenment. Vibration.

The goal is to be juicy.

Full of juice,

Full of life

Life is wet not dry

You dry up you die

It really is that simple

So lube it up

Life is such an amazing journey.

So much more than how we look, feel, or what we consume or how much we weigh.

It’s so much more about how we love and embrace life and those in our lives.

Sharon stone: you pick a man who treats you like your dad did. Hmmm…

We totally misunderstand how slow we must begin. And continue. Constantly backing off. Because getting too close to the source brings the chance of getting burned.

First we shed away all the padding. Anything that might numb us to the scary truth. Which in actuality may not be the truth at all. Just the illusions that the collective dark forces might want you to believe.

Eating more raw really does make you raw. All of you. Nerves, emotions all of your senses. You have to strip away all of your defenses before you can build up new healthy and clean ones. Not so much defenses anymore as pure instincts.

Clear away enough to see the truth.

to my mom (I’m such a bitch) part 2

to my mom (I’m such a bitch) who has cancer and for 40 years has pooh-poohed me when I have begged her and my now deceased (from heart disease and stroke) father to clean up their diets:

I guess my message would be: that life is short. Shorter than anyone could possibly imagine. So why waste it in jobs or relationships that have no real meaning.

Is that too vague?

How about:     don’t waste your short time with those who do not now nor will they ever fulfill and appreciate your true potential, the real you, your talent, your uniqueness.

Not to mention, they are no fun. You are not happy with them. They do not contribute to your sanity or serenity.

Or vice versa. Maybe it is on you for not contributing to theirs.

You don’t or can’t contribute to theirs.

I guess you need to know who you are and that isn’t so easy.

I think we know, but we are afraid. We have no confidence in our own beliefs.

Or maybe we are cocky about our beliefs and judgmental of others.

The Holidays came and went

I lost 4 punds over the Holidays this year.

Not too shabby.

I'm not perfect by any means, but am progressing steadily.

Controlling the Pain

detoxing is like weight training. You tear down, build up, rest then start over again. It’s all about cycles and stages. Layer by layer.

It should always be changing. You have to mix it up. like interval or circuit training. Don’t get stale or rust.

When detoxing, as in any serious training, the no pain no gain theory can be deceiving. There will be pain, but you have to control it by controlling the elimination, the cleansing. Try not to over-cleanse.

Control the pain

This is not as easy as in Ehret’s time 100 years ago when all foods were organic no matter how dense and clogging they were.

You control the pain by keeping it at bay. By slowing down the cleansing.

Transitioning.

Ultimately you just might get clean enough to adhere to the principles I attribute to Ehret: if you feel good you can eat fruit that day. If you feel bad, stick to the vegetables.

better to keep quiet and be thought the fool, than to open mouth and remove all doubt

Ok here’s the deal:

I’m programmed to only speak in terms of my job. Not my hobbies (what they call my entrepreneurial interests), the joys of my existence. I’m just allowed to live for and I am known and judged by how much I make for a living. And expected to drop the rest of my life or what’s important to me. I hide what I'm really thinking and only mention what I think people want to hear and I wind up sounding like a shallow imbecile. Because I am afraid to say what I really feel. What I really want. So thinking I’ll sound like a kook, a hippy, and an eccentric if I speak the truth: I end up sounding like ignorant trailer trash.

I need to shut up until I know what to say.

I do not communicate my feelings well.

I don’t say what I mean.

I sound like an idiot instead of an eccentric.

I need to respect and be myself before I can expect anyone else to respect me. I have to stop being afraid to be myself. To say what is really important to me.

Shut up!!!!!

I sounded lazy in front of step-daughter instead of sounding proud and happy and creative. Not willing to sell myself short. Knowing my worth.

Help me to know myself and not be afraid to express myself truthfully.

Happily Ignorant

Cleanse to the bone. Not just physically inside and out, but spiritually.

Your sacred garden, your tissues and blood, your dwelling, your home. You start with one and STAY CONSCIOUS and you just might clean the rest.

Better yet, spread out the energy evenly. Equally back and forth. Continuous motion. Ebb and flow. Yin and Yang.

You’ll hit walls, blockages, stumbling blocks, periods of inertia and lethargy. You just have to persevere, there is no substitute for elbow grease! Sticking to it! Don’t let go or give up. It’s all right to slow down or tread water for a while but get back on it!

Baby steps are fine. When you fall off the wagon just get back on when you wake up again it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or how long it takes, just get goin’ and get ‘er done. Just do it. When you fall asleep the next time, no worries you will wake up again and get going. We must take the time we need. It isn’t a race. The winner with the best toys is the loser in the end. Toys just get broken, neglected, thrown away and forgotten.

When you’re on your deathbed and your life is flashing before you, you won’t regret selling that classic car or not reaching the next level of the latest video game. I dare to say you won’t even regret not being a movie star or a land baron or an oil tycoon. And if you do, well how sad is that. What you will regret is those lost moments of love and joy. True joy in just being alive and a part of this incredible universe that is our existence. This miracle of perfection.

Baby steps are ok if that is what it takes. Babies grow when they keep trying.

Take back your soul, your mind, your body and your home.

Stop tossing and trading all the resources you’ve been given and deserve for the supposed easy way. To acquire all the disposable crap. Crap is all they want us to gorge on and regurgitate. And we do willingly.

And please quit whining!

Woe is me  wah wah. Who are you trying to impress? Do you really think they are worth it?

I do understand if you’re tired and sick. We all are. How can we not be.

But the thing is, there is a cure! Right if front of our fat puffy or sunken in faces.

And it is the truly easy way out if we could just take the blindfolds off and open our eyes.

Buy it and throw it away over and over again. Our garbage is suffocating us. We think we are escaping this suffocation because the dump is miles away, but it is starting to overflow. In our own bodies we can’t just throw out what is choking us. It isn’t that easy. This stuff sticks like glue. Super glue. And we are choking and suffocating from our very pores.

Our bodies and the earth are made of the same stuff, stardust if you will. Everything we are mass-producing and mass consuming, one and the same, is killing us. Body, mind, spirit, land and all!

It’s a slow excruciatingly painful death. Suicide. The major corporations may be the ones raping the earth and poisoning us with their plastic imitations and attempts at improvements of nature, but… we are buying into it of our own free will. We are giving up on our true identity and soul. That is why it is a mass suicide.

Mass suicide.

We’re all drinking” the kool-aid.

Happily ignorant.

A Weird Dream

I dreamed I spent the night in another woman’s house. It was a big house with a lot of rooms and hidden rooms. The lady of the house had 3 little daughters and an elderly mother. She also had men renting rooms from her that kept their bicycles indoors.

I had a little girl with me and we spent the night in one of the rooms on a small bed with red sheets and orange mattress pad. I soiled the sheets with excrement during the night and set out to wash them in the morning. The laundry room was a bathroom full of bicycles. There was a hidden room off to the side. It was a large room with a large brick fireplace. The old woman of the house was sitting in front of the fireplace. She turned around to look at me. She was sharp and clear-eyed. I didn’t know what to say so I just said nice fireplace. She said something to me and I left. There was something glowing there but it wasn’t a fire.

The woman of the house was an artist. She painted beautiful life-like paintings and wall murals as well. I asked her if she displayed in galleries and she said no. I was trying to place her and her work. I was sure I had heard of her before. She had a hidden room between the guestroom and her bedroom where her children played.

Who's Saving Who?

it is I who must be saved. Then and only then can I ever attempt to save someone else.

Or is it the other way around? I can’t hope to be saved if I am only thinking of saving myself. Sound’s like Catch 22. I cant save anyone else unless I save myself and I can’t save myself if it is me I am trying to save and not someone else.

I just realized my daughter wants me to choose between her and my mother. I have always chosen her over my own mom, but right now, daughter is fine. She has a huge support group and doesn’t really need me. She obviously has no respect for me anyway so why would she? My mother needs me now more than she has in my entire life. I’m sorry ivy, I would rather not have to choose, but if you really want me to, I will try to help my Mom right now.

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Daughter says cruel things to me any time she is upset. She is the “only grown up” in the family. I like what the author of power Screenwriting says: that writers need to be outlaws or heroes or we’re dead. In other words; if we conform we are dead. In daughter’s mind: conformity is the same as being a grown-up. I choose to live. If she thinks that makes me a child, so be it.

You might as well face it sweetheart, none of us are everything our loved ones think we are capable of being.

I think the difference is how convinced we are that we are worthy. Are we eccentric? Or just downtrodden.

You know what, I honestly don’t want to hang around you right now. I am trapped in the way you see me.

"Women Who Run With the Wolves"

women find that as they vanquish the predator, taking from it what is useful and leaving the rest, they are filled with INTENSITY, VITALITY AND DRIVE

sounds a lot like the message given to me by Eagle:

energy, purpose and insight

a woman’s own inner demons are the culprit in our story. Her naiveté the perpetrator.

A day at the beach

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went to the beach w/ my kids yesterday. So fun! Baby had a blast. Then we Jacuzzied with Uncle and had caviar with all the fixins and champagne. That would have been ok but I just had to eat dessert. Ice cream and cannolis L we also watched Avatar.

Then I dreamed I was heading a revolution against the evil oppressors that were destroying our world and the nature around us. We had to detonate a neutron bomb to kill the oppressors without hurting the earth and take back our world.

To my mom I am such a bitch

·      You want to live?

·      Why?

·      You have the most boring life of anyone I know.

·      What would you do if the doctors told you had 6 months to live? 6 weeks/ 6 days?

·      Would you whine and piss and moan every waking minute about your lot in life?

·      That seems to be what you’re doing now.

·      Why not rejoice that you are alive right now?

·      (God I said the same things to my father his last few years)

·      Why not figure out what it is that would make your life happy and actually worth living, right now!

·      And then do it!!!!!!!

·      Take a walk. even, get some fresh air, some sun.

What are you waiting for???

A last ditch effort

I journeyed this morning in an attempt to find a way to write.

Something to write about and someone to write for.

I saw an old woman and a young girl and a dog. It may have been a wolf since I am reading Women Who Run with the Wolves.

Today, I need to and would like to do the Rose Cleanse.

Yesterday, I drank juice and broth and had a big salad, 3 eggs with spinach and tomatoes for dinner along with some almond butter and dark chocolate. But then I fell asleep and when I woke up I found myself eating Trader Joes dark chocolate peanut butter cups. 8 of them L the day before that I ate a total of 9 eggs.

I am out of control.

I did have a successful enema yesterday. Smelled like an outhouse. I need one today too.

I have been wasting my time if I don’t get started with this.

I am so close. But, I am desperate.

If I don’t do something now I never will.

I am almost 60 years old. My ovaries have dried up. My eyesight is fading FAST!!!

Cataracts are clouding my vision.

It is just over 2 weeks to Thanksgiving.

If I could do a juice fast for 2 weeks it would be a great start.

Controlling the Masses

The quickest way to control the masses would be to control their food supply.

hmmm???

i think they are succeeding :(

The Fear of Truth

The theories, Natalia’s theories, which I send to my dearest sisters, could shake them to the core. They get down into everything we’ve been taught. Obliterating it.

I hung up my little American flag that I got when I joined the elks. Wow. It is bringing out some issues. Some questions. Some truths, the decimation of a belief system that has been shattered bit by bit over my adult life.

Childhood fears

o   The bomb

o   Fallout

o   My parents dying

o   Fights with neighbor kids

o   Being left alone in a closed up car with a bleeding permanently deformed finger??????

§  This one I don’t remember. I have the deformed finger and the photo of me crying in a closed up car to remind me (1/8/2011 I’m fighting back tears thinking a bout it)

For years I haven’t unpacked. I have been living out of suitcases and boxes. Never making my surroundings my home. I think I forgot how. I knew how when I first got married; but I continued to let the men in my life rule me, erase me.

I’m finding myself again. I even let my children make me ashamed of who I really am. I let their opinions of me overpower the real me. The sleeping warrior.

The crisp juiciness of a salad, the hydrating effect of fresh squeezed juices opens the pores and the senses. Why do I seek to close those channels, to snuff out the life of those burgeoning cells?

Fear

Of truth

Eating light clean and raw leaves me open and vulnerable. Susceptible.

Not closed off and shut and blind. Oblivious. I keep searching for the oblivion, the darkness. Why do we crave the darkness? Because it’s the easy way out? The road more traveled?

Why am I afraid?

What am I afraid of?

Baby Steps

The fear of getting too close.

• ·      Milk
• ·      Cheese
• ·      Ice cream
• ·      Candy
• ·      Chips
• ·      Bread

If I just avoid these things, I will achieve optimum health. The first 2 are pure mucus, indigestible in the human body. The 2^nd 2 things include some of the same indigestible ingredients, also:

• ·      Sugar
• ·      Oil

·     

The last 2, while it is possible for them to contain all natural ingredients, are seemingly innocuous grains but have been over processed so that they are pure starch, devoid of vital nutrients. They are fillers, the perfect breeding ground for yeast.

The things to accentuate:

• ·      Fresh vegetable juice
• ·      Green salads
• ·      Steamed veggies
• ·      Fish
• ·      Eggs
• ·      Sweet potatoes

Sometimes I find that the easiest way to avoid these harmful substances is to consume the other harmful substance that have been a large part of my life.

·      Alcohol

·      Coffee

·      Herb

These are the substances that I rely upon to help me avoid the others. I consider them the least of the avoidables. I use these to help me avoid the others. To give me energy, a buzz. To feel fulfilled, not just full.

The problem is that the buzz wears off. Reality follows. The reality that is my environment. And of course to avoid that reality I must consume more of my preferred poisons. And if I miss that window and the buzz wears off before I can renew it: I am doubly vulnerable. Left wide open, raw.. ;easy prey.

My progress is in steps. Ups and downs with a gradual ascension. The highs get higher and the lows get higher also J

The Child Within

Natalia makes her home a sanctuary for her children. What about the child that lives inside all of us.

I’m taking Natalia’s advice and cleaning out my closets. I’m taking my own advice and going through my tools. Other than me, these are my assets. My tools are extensions of my creativity.

The heroes’ journey. Don’t hate yourself if you falter. Just get up, dust yourself off and know that all the heroes have faltered on their journey.

Must we destroy our very environment to be a success?

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The current trend for political posturing is for them to say they have business success and our government should be run like a business. I disagree. The business model is for profit at all cost. Downsize, outsource, greed. In my opinion government should be about community, people. That the wealth of a notion, state, city, should be measured by the least of its people. How many are suffering below the poverty level. If there is just one, then the government is failing its job, its duty

Do we have to destroy or hurt the environment to be creative? We only have what nature gives us to work with. Are we so full of ourselves to think we can improve on nature and destroy her? Thereby destroying ourselves.

10/23

Today I had coffee with soy from Starbucks for breakfast, coconut water at noon, juice at 2 and a big green salad at 4.

My clothes are getting bigger. J

I want to start making jewelry again. I’d like to start with a Goddess pendant.

I babysat until 3 this morning then came home and couldn’t sleep until dawn. Typical. This morning was rough but ever since my coffee I’ve done remarkably well, in fact, I just remembered I had very little sleep.

Took a short nap after work and had a fruit Popsicle when I woke up. Bad idea.

I had a couple of decent BM’s today but should probably have an enema.

My rolls are getting smaller J

She willed it

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My mom has cancer

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I have to hold my tongue when it comes to my opinion of doctors and the medical profession for my mom’s sake. She worships them and their advice. I must be positive because no matter what they do to her or how sick she gets she values their opinion more than mine. She and Gary went to Yuma this weekend and she sounds in good spirits.

I’ll just continue my quest to heal myself, pray for her and be there for her.

Clean out the Cobwebs

I hooked up w/ Herb as you can tell by the last paragraph.

I am struggling between my desire for something sweet and my desire to lose the pounds in my gut. I figure the rolls I can grab are probably mirrored on the inside deep out of sight and mind.

Much more than ever imagined. I think people who are lucky enough to be afraid of being too skinny don’t know that first you weed out, dig out, burn out the waste. Clean out the cobwebs so you can get to the beginning and build soft plump juicy tissue. So I’m struggling to allow this mass inside me to digest enough to get to the real me. If my stomach would ever empty, my gut might begin to.

Scary getting raw

I’ve been flirting around this lifestyle for decades. Afraid of the power. Getting too close and getting burned raw, too close to the bone. It’s scary, frightening.

October 21

102010

Worked a long day in Huntington today. Didn’t have lunch until 2. I was feeling lightheaded and headachy. Had a 32 oz Goddess of Greens from Mother’s with lemon, awesome. I felt so much better. I also bought a big raw Caesar that I had for dinner followed by 3 eggs with scrambled butter, onions and asparagus. I put a little goat cheese in it. The dish was great but I’m not real fond of goat cheese. It’s an acquired taste that I haven’t acquired yet.

I’m feeling really good and obviously losing weight because my pants are getting loose. In the last few days I have lost a lot of bloating/water weight. After almost 2 months of backsliding I didn’t really gain any weight. My bad days are not so bad anymore. Even when I’m not following a cleansing plan I am still eating light to heavy and not overeating. Just not juicing enough and too much miss combining at dinner.

I’m having champagne. One of my last addictions. Just texted for my other.

3 Days later

101910

3 days later and I’m still out of it. I gave myself an enema and drank some champagne before I went to the party the other night. Drank at least 3 glasses of wine there and smoked lots of pot. I ate 2 small pieces of a baguette with spinach dip made with cream cheese. I passed out on Meredith’s bed. Woke up at 5 am and came home and fell asleep. I was so sick I didn’t get up and shower until afternoon. Drank some juice, some coconut water, and since it was Sunday and I was hung-over I thought maybe some hair of the dog might work. I drank a glass of champagne. I threw up all day and night. Every bit of liquid came right back up.

Yesterday I had water, coconut water, juice and carrots with a little hummus. 12 hours later this morning I was still burping hummus. Burning belly so I had a long enema about 5. Still exhausted.

Woke up at 2am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Fell asleep about 8 until 10:30.

It’s a long way to a clean-celled body.

I had mint tea about 11am then 2 hours later I’m drinking black coffee. It may be acidic but I do think it is important to wean myself slowly from the substances I am addicted to.

Heartburn, belching and upper gastro cramping.

A long way too go.

It’s cold and rainy but I’m sweating. It must be the coffee after an hour.

Started taking Candex again.

Drinking my juice, yum. My right eye is twitching now. At least it isn’t the left one J

Babysitting for Dylan tonight. I’ll take salad makings, broccoli and sweet potatoes.

Holiday Season 2010

Here I go again. October 16, 2010

20-30 ounces of green juice around noon and then about 4 in the afternoon a box of sugar plum tomatoes. I have had a little hummus w/ them this week. Then for dinner I have a big salad, cooked veggies and either eggs, fish or sweet potatoes. This is day 5.

My goal is not only to trim down and firm up but also to cure my eyesight.  It is so bad I see 3 to 5 moons and can’t read a thing with my left eye. Funny when shooting my journal video today, I noticed it is my right eye that is the droopiest. I do want to cure my cataracts at least by the time I have to take my next drivers license exam in 2014. Hopefully sooner than that.

A little gassy and stinky today L I need an enema. I’m going to do one after work.

My belches have gotten under control this week and the gagging when brushing my teeth is less.

Tonight is game night at Meredith’s. She will have wine and we’re to bring snacks and games. I’ll bring my usual crudités and hummus, along with some dark chocolate and maybe some Ak Mak. Ivy suggested I bring the game “quarters” but that would mean drinking tequila. I’m thinking that isn’t a good idea. Not on my diet. These are my Goddess Sisters, though, so maybeJ

I am so tired of being around whiners. The women I work with are constantly “woe is me” about their health, their jobs or their personal life. My mom is the epitome of negativity. She has been manifesting cancer for years now and I think she may have finally succeeded.

My left eye is getting another twitch.