The theories, Natalia’s theories, which I send to my dearest sisters, could shake them to the core. They get down into everything we’ve been taught. Obliterating it.
I hung up my little American flag that I got when I joined the elks. Wow. It is bringing out some issues. Some questions. Some truths, the decimation of a belief system that has been shattered bit by bit over my adult life.
Childhood fears
o The bomb
o Fallout
o My parents dying
o Fights with neighbor kids
o Being left alone in a closed up car with a bleeding permanently deformed finger??????
§ This one I don’t remember. I have the deformed finger and the photo of me crying in a closed up car to remind me (1/8/2011 I’m fighting back tears thinking a bout it)
For years I haven’t unpacked. I have been living out of suitcases and boxes. Never making my surroundings my home. I think I forgot how. I knew how when I first got married; but I continued to let the men in my life rule me, erase me.
I’m finding myself again. I even let my children make me ashamed of who I really am. I let their opinions of me overpower the real me. The sleeping warrior.
The crisp juiciness of a salad, the hydrating effect of fresh squeezed juices opens the pores and the senses. Why do I seek to close those channels, to snuff out the life of those burgeoning cells?
Fear
Of truth
Eating light clean and raw leaves me open and vulnerable. Susceptible.
Not closed off and shut and blind. Oblivious. I keep searching for the oblivion, the darkness. Why do we crave the darkness? Because it’s the easy way out? The road more traveled?
Why am I afraid?
What am I afraid of?
No comments:
Post a Comment